For what it's worth, it's my Mom's birthday today. She would have been 53. These last 7 months without her have been very hard on me, as you all know. After each pregnancy I get a moderate case of post partum depression which usually lasts until the baby is 9ish months old. Ellie was 3 months old when my mom died, so I was smack dab in the middle of PPD...not great timing.
Because of all of this I started a hefty dose of Zoloft. Zoloft is an interesting drug in that it is your best friend at first, but then at some point it turns on you. Or at least, it did to me. At first it helped me dramatically because it quieted my pain and sadness, it calmed me. That was really what I needed at the time. The problem with Zoloft is that it also quieted my happiness. I didn't want to do anything. It was so hard to stay motivated to accomplish any task because Zoloft took the edge off of my emotions. Nothing seemed urgent. Nothing really seemed that important. My sense of accomplishment was stifled. And the worst, the very worst part was
I couldn't cry.
That's not to say that I couldn't make tears come out, I could, but it took effort. I never go the release that comes from a good cry. I just couldn't make myself do it. I wanted to feel any emotion deeply enough that tears seemed appropriate, but it just didn't happen. And anyone that's known me for a while knows that I'm usually a crier. Happy cry, sad cry, crying watching movies, crying at diaper commercials, you name it I have probably cried over it at some point. So this Zoloft zombie state was super weird for me.
A few weeks ago I decided that i had had enough. I decided the only way to get my life back was to face these emotions, good or bad, and deal with them without the numbing effects of Zoloft. So I weaned myself off of it, and officially quit just before Thanksgiving. I felt ready to reclaim my life! I also, as you've probably read, decided to get off my butt and exercise as well.
On a chilly sunny morning last week I took the girls on a walk. I had my iPod on and was listening to upbeat music. The sun was shining right me and all of a sudden I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I walked along my neighborhood and cried. (Thank God for sunglasses!) And not for any particular reason other than it was a beautiful day and I just felt so good. So free.
I have salt water back in my life in a big way. I have been sweating every day, crying when I feel like it, and though I haven't been to the ocean lately it's next on the list. My mom would be so proud of me.
Today my siblings and I celebrated my Mother's life. We ate her favorite foods, I baked her favorite kind of cake, and we talked and yelled and tried to hear each other over the sounds of our 8 kids playing. My brother surprised us with a photo album with photos of us, some of which I had never seen. We laughed and reminisced and it as really wonderful.
Now that I can feel emotions again I feel really happy. And really sad. And really thankful that I am reaching the other side of depression. The side where I've clawed my way out, and I can look back at how ugly it was. How empty it was. I can't say I'll never fall back in but I can say that for now I'm in a good place and I am planning on staying there. Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I would have done without y'all to talk to.
This is the only family photo we have that Caroline is actually smiling. Too bad Jason blinked and Ellie is "fighting the power"!
She's just so happy! She spent the whole day clapping and dancing around.
Christmas morning came pretty early. Caroline loved her dolly, which she named Dolly :-) I have no idea what Gabe is doing here!
Dolly has been lovingly cared for ever since Christmas morning. She's sleeping....shhhhhh.
Ellie got her very first piece of jewelry, a Jenni K bracelet. I got it so she'd have something substantial and cute for her medical alert ID.
Gabe was absolutely thrilled to receive Jason's vintage GI JOEs and Tonka trucks. He also got a pocket knife, with which he promptly cut his thumb :-/
Charlotte's favorite gifts were a tiger hat and tiger paws. She literally has only taken them off when we specifically ask her to. She also lost a tooth on Christmas day right after church!
Oh Ellie Belly, could you be any cuter?
As y'all know I've been trying to lose this baby weight, so when Social Spark told me I had an offer to try 
